Welcome to Week 2 of the Saturday Afternoon Diary. This week’s edition will be live from a couch in New Buffalo, Michigan while the Michigan-Notre Dame and Ohio State-Miami games are on two TV’s. Let’s dance.
2:30 – While Miami didn’t show up in Army fatigues today, they look meaner than ever coming out of the tunnel. Who’s giving out bonuses for big hits these days, Rick Ross or Trick Daddy?
2:33 – Terrelle Pryor’s downfield passing is about as accurate as George O’Leary’s resume. Expect INT’s today.
2:38 – Does Jacory Harris even know what a 3-ring binder is?
2:40 – A shaky call early on OSU at the Horseshoe? These must be ACC refs.
2:42 – Interception Ohio State! The Akron and Kent State grads in the stands are going wild!
2:45 – The referee crew for the day is announced, and they are from….The ACC! How did Jim Delany allow this to happen? I’ve seen WWE matches setup with less bias involved.
2:52 – Near back to back kickoff returns to the house, are Devin Hester and Ted Ginn back for another year? On the other hand, these kickoff teams have worse coverage than the new IPhone.
2:54 – First preview of the day for Wall Street 2, I’m not sure Michael Douglas wants to hang on long enough to see the final cut of this one.
3:00 – The language in the room right now is worse than the Wiener Circle at 3AM on a Saturday. There are sailors who would be offended.
3:02 – Edgerring James sighting on the sidelines, I wonder if he’s handing out resumes to boosters after the game.
3:05 – These pile-ups are getting rougher than a Turkish prison. I keep watching for Miami players to come out with a few wallets.
3:10 – Terrelle Pryor is reminding everyone of Jamarcus Russell so much that we’re expecting him to be drinking codeine-based grape drink on the sidelines.
3:12 – Public Service Announcement – For all of you who text or browse the Internet on your smartphones while taking a crap, you might want to disinfect your phones more frequently. I’ve never seen anyone wiping down their phone, yet most everyone takes them in the bathroom. Just a thought.
3:15 – On screen 2, its Nate Montana everyone!
3:16 – Nate Montana just ran a draw and got beat up worse than Rihanna. Where is Tom Rathman when you need a block.
3:21 – The room just decided Leonard is a great name for a black guy. On the other hand, Thad and Rick are battling for worst possible name with Carl coming in third.
3:25 – Alot of people in the room have the Michigan money line, so we have alot riding on Denard ‘Shoelaces’ Robinson. Terry Jones supplied us with some books to burn if ND wins.
3:28 – Shoelaces on the run for 27 yards! If velcro makes a comeback, I think we’ve found the face of its franchise.
3:29 – My eyes could be failing me, but it looks like Tate Forcier is filling out his transfer papers on the Michigan sideline.
3:34 – Back to the Ohio State game, Miami just ran a draw on 3rd and 18. Even Fox News thought that was conservative.
3:40 – Michael Douglas death jokes are trending on Twitter, I’m glad I got mine in before halftime.
3:45 – Jacory Harris sacked again. Miami is using less protection than Antontio Cromartie.
3:50 – Token white reciever on Ohio State makes a sideline catch. Lets put it this way, he’s the only skill player in this game who has the new Arcade Fire album on his IPod.
3:53 – Ohio State’s kicker just drained a deep field goal. How does Jim Tressel keep landing better kickers than the Brazilian soccer team? They’re officially placekicker U at this point.
3:55 – Meanwhile, Dane Crist is back at QB for Notre Dame after an eye injury. Did he borrow Slick Rick’s eye patch for the rest of the game?
4:00 – Its halftime, I’m losing track of my thoughts, and I’ve already offended Catherine Zeta-Jones and Shia Lebeouf. That’s it for this week’s diary.